Drunk Driving Me Crazy
by LordByronMudkippington
Summary: Eli and Umi are best friends and security guards. When Eli is passed over for a promotion, the two of them get drunk. Really drunk. 'I can drive I swear' drunk. Unfortunately, they are pulled over by a cop. Let's see if Eli can talk her way out of this one.


"This is bullshit!" Eli slammed her empty glass on the bar, staring cross-eyed at the bartender, who quickly made sure he was no longer in her vision. "Hey, come back! I want another!" She reached for the glass to signal a need for a refill, but she missed and held up air. "Huh? Where did it go?"

"I think you've had enough, Eli." Umi reached over for Eli's glass and pulled it out of reach, rolling her eyes when the blonde turned to her with a drunken pout. "You look ridiculous. Stop that." She knew that it was going to be a long night the moment she found Eli sulking by herself, and it was only confirmed when she found out the reason for the blonde's unhappiness: she had been passed up for a promotion. Again.

The two of them had been friends for years, and with the fact that they both worked security jobs in the area, it made sense for them to live together. In that time, you tended to learn a thing or two, and what Umi had learned is that it took a lot of alcohol to make Eli start slurring her words. So now, with her friend almost falling over the bar, she had an inkling that it was past time to cut her off.

"I think that _you've_ had enough!" Yup, it was time. Only when Eli was plastered did she resort to grade school comebacks. Paying their tab, Umi stood up and grabbed Eli's arm, slinging it over her shoulder before pulling a heavily-protesting Eli out of the bar and into the cool night air. She was going to have to remember to remind the blonde that she owed quite a bit of money for all those shots. "Umiiii, I didn't even get to finish my Russian Roulette."

"You finished two of them." Umi grunted in return, having to half-drag Eli towards her car. Finally Eli pushed off and began walking under her own power. Well, 'walking' may have been too charitable. It was more like she swayed back and forth until collapsing against the door, sliding down to the concrete as she fished in her pocket for nearly two minutes until she procured her keys. "Oh no, you are not driving."

"Excuse me, but this is _my_ car."

"Eli, no way are you driving. You're drunk."

"You're drunk too!"

"... So?" Even if she was drunk, she could tell a bad idea when she saw it, and this one topped the charts. Eli's stubborn pride would make her believe that she could drive while heavily intoxicated, but Umi knew that no, she couldn't, and no, she would not be given the chance to.

"So you can't drive."

"Yeah, but-"

"I'm leaving you!" With a huff, Eli opened the door and stumbled into the driver's seat, nearly putting the keys through the window before getting the car to start. Sighing, Umi went against her better judgement and got in the car after her, with a little voice in the back of her brain reminding her that this was a bad idea. Yeah, it was, but she was drunk, so she was more perceptible to those bad ideas. Which was bad. Maybe she was more drunk than she originally realized. Usually she was better about stopping nonsense like this. Hadn't she planned on doing that no more than a minute ago?

"At least put on your seatbelt."

* * *

Hands clasped together, Umi closed her eyes and offered a silent prayer. She had already texted her girlfriend that she loved her, and now she prepared for her eventual demise due to the terrible decision she had made to get in the car. She wasn't sure if the car was actually shaking or if she was just drunk, but they definitely didn't have all of their wheels on the road anymore. It was a bumpy ride.

"El. Eeeee. Pull. Overrrr." Desperately she grabbed onto the bar hanging above the door, knowing how futile it was to appeal to drunk Eli's sense of reason. For a moment, she considered reaching over and trying to grab for the wheel, but when she looked up and saw they were now driving over a bridge, she thought better of it. "Oh my God, Eli! Pull over!"

"No! You're not my mother!" With steely determination in her eyes, Eli leaned forward and gripped the steering wheel tighter, focused on the task at hand. She _would_ get them home, and in record time too. When the car scratched against the bridge's guardrails, Umi screamed. "I know what I'm doing, Umi!"

"No you don't! No you don't! Stop driving!"

"Alright, fine!"

"Eli, what are you doing?! Put your hands back on the wheel!"

"Make up your mind!" They were going to die. This was the end. Umi's life began to flash before her eyes, and all she could think was that she had red velvet cake on her birthday way too many times. She wanted to try tres leche, but now she couldn't because of the whole 'about to die' thing.

The sounds of a siren came from behind the car, and the two of them turned to see a police car driving towards them. "Oh fuck," Eli whispered, finally, thankfully hitting the brakes and slowing down. Off the bridge, on the side of the road, they waited nervously, Eli tapping on the wheel and trying to act cool while Umi gripped the hem of her shirt tightly and looked as if she was going to get locked up for life. This was the end indeed.

A knock on the window drew their attention, and slowly Eli rolled down the window, allowing them a clearer view of the cop who had pulled them over, a knowing smile on her face and two long, purple twintails hanging down her back. "Evening, ladies. Having a good time?"

"N-No!" Umi almost shouted, and even in her completely wasted state Eli wanted to hide her face in embarrassment. "Not at all. We're having a terrible time, in fact."

"Is that so?" The cop chuckled quietly, and Eli did her best to keep looking cool, calm, and collected. "Either of you been drinking?"

"Not at all," Eli slurred, leaning forward to try and smile at the cop. "Just heading home from the bar... mitzvah."

"Bar-mitzvah?"

"Yes, 'cause we're... Jewish, you know." This did not sound good. Umi looked like she was going to die. "Terrible time, as my friend said."

"How unfortunate." The cop smirked and tapped on the door with her flashlight. "Would you mind stepping out of the car, ma'am?" Oh fuck.

"N-Not at all." Unlocking the door, Eli opened it and flashed a helpless look towards Umi, but she seemed just as out of it now. They were so boned. She got out of the car and prayed that she could keep it together enough to pass any tests that may be administrated.

* * *

"Alright, can you walk across this line?" The purple-haired cop pointed to a chalk line she had drawn on the shoulder of the street, a line that Eli looked at nervously. She knew that she was in trouble, considering how badly the previous tests had gone. Not only had she fallen over when told to stand on one foot, put a finger on her nose, and count backwards from ten, but halfway through she had started to count down in Russian. When asked to follow the flashlight around, she ended up looking at the cop's rather buxom chest. That certainly didn't help her already-inebriated state.

There wasn't much of a choice, though. Taking a shaky breath, Eli stepped to the line and slowly began to walk along it, making sure to pay close attention to putting one foot in front of the other. It was a troubling walk, but she was definitely sure that she was doing it right. At least until she bumped into her car. Inside, she saw Umi hide her face in her hands. Where the hell had that line gone?

"Ma'am, do you know how dangerous it is to drive while intoxicated?" Gulping, Eli slowly turned around to see the cop standing in front of her, tapping her flashlight against an open palm.

"Y-Yes, a-absolutely."

"I don't think I've ever seen someone fail these sobriety tests so spectacularly." She grinned at Eli. "You must've set some kind of record."

"O-Oh?" That didn't sound like a record she wanted to have.

"You're cute though, I'll give you that." Pocketing her flashlight, the cop put a little sway into her hips as she bumped a surprised Eli against the car. "You know, they say that cute girls like yourself can get out of tickets just by flashing a cop a pretty smile and a well-timed wink."

"D-Do they now?" Okay, maybe she could do something with this. The compliment was making her blush, but she was drunk enough to believe anything at this point. Standing up straight, she gave the cop the brightest smile she could muster, throwing in a wink for a little extra. "Don't you think that- you... H-Hey, don't laugh at me!"

"I'm sorry!" She didn't look very sorry, though. The cop was nearly doubled over in laughter, having moved back to grab her knees for support. "Oh my God, you look like a great white trying to get sand out of her eye, ahahah!"

"Wh-What?!" Oh Gods, how embarrassing! Now the prospect of getting arrested seemed more appealing than making a further ass of herself in front of the cop that thought she was cute. Her thoughts were distracted when a body was once again pressed way too close to her own. "E-Eh?!"

"Whoops, my bad." The cop grinned and pushed her forehead against Eli's, licking her lips. "I've got a few more tests I want to try on you, to see just how drunk you are." Snaking her arm down, she reached around and gave Eli's ass a squeeze, eliciting a gasp out of her. "You have the right to remain silent, but I won't mind if you don't." Winking, she closed the distance between them and captured Eli's lips with her own.

Her lips tasted sweet, and instantly Eli was melting against her, returning the kiss with an intense fervor. Her own kisses were sloppy due to how drunk she was, and every few seconds she nearly missed the cop's lips entirely, but she still felt that it was the hottest make-out session of her life. In between kisses, trying to catch her breath, she gasped out, "Your... name."

"Hmm?"

"What's your... name?"

"Nozomi." She smiled, waltzing her fingers up and down Eli's back. "Toujou Nozomi."

"I-I'm Eli."

"One name only? Ooh, like Cher!"

"N-No! I-It's Ayase Eli." Nozomi chuckled, seeming to enjoy embarrassing the living hell out of her. "J-Just shut up and kiss me."

"How bold, Ayase Eli." Without hesitating, she leaned back in and ran her tongue over Eli's lips. "Anything you say can and will be held against you in the back of my squad car." Their lips met once more, Eli's parting to allow Nozomi's tongue entrance. Their tongues danced within Eli's mouth, strangled moans encouraging Nozomi on. The car shook a bit as their kisses became more desperate, as their bodies moved together in a heated rhythm.

Meanwhile, Umi sat in the car and wondered if she would ever be able to remove these images from her mind.

* * *

 **Omake:** Tearing her eyes away from the horribly, _horribly_ shameful scene going on just outside the car, Umi grabbed her phone and fumbled for the green call button, missing three times before finally getting it to work. Holding the phone up to her ear, she had to wait for three rings until her girlfriend answered. "Umi?"

"Thank goodness you answered. You've gotta come pick me up. I can't take this anymore."

"Can't take what? What's going on?"

"Eli got drunk and she got us pulled over by a cop and now they're making out- Oh God, she's taking off her shirt! Oh my God!"

"Alright alright, I'll come get you. Jeez, you do the stupidest things when you're drunk."

"I-It's not my fault! Just use the app and come pick me up, please!" At Umi's insistence - and her girlfriend's reluctance - the two of them had added an app to their phones so that they could know where the other was. Umi considered it a safety measure, while her girlfriend considered it an invasion of privacy, and usually turned it off, to Umi's great annoyance.

"Fine, I'll be there in... Jeez, you two got far, didn't you? Alright, I'll see what I can do." They hung up, and Umi waited, trying to look anywhere but the _graphic_ scenario unfolding right in front of her. Did they forget that she was there too?

It took over twenty minutes for her girlfriend to finally get there, pulling up in a flashy red sports car. Luckily, by that time the two lovebirds had taken it to the backseat of the police car, but even then she could still hear them, and it was not an innocent soundtrack they were making. Getting out of the car, she stumbled immediately upon putting her feet onto the ground, though that didn't stop her from rushing into her girlfriend's waiting arms. "Oh thank goodness you got here, Maki! They're so... sh-shameful!"

"I can hear," Maki grimaced, running a hand through her hair. "Come on, let's go. I don't need to see this." Nodding in relief, Umi followed Maki towards her car, but it was at that point that Eli looked up through the window, noticing that there was a new development outside.

"A-Ah!" She shouted out, making Umi wince as she rolled down the window. "Umiii! Y-You're leaving?"

"Yes. I saw that you were... _busy_ , so I called Maki to take me home." She kept her eyes firmly on Maki, not wanting to see any more of Eli's bare chest then she already had.

"Oh, Maki? Maki! Hi Maki!" Eli waved at the blushing redhead, who looked down at her shoes and started to fidget uncomfortably. Umi felt for her. The cop raised her head too, trying to see what was going on. "Umiii, you're supposed to be grave robbing at night, not cradle robbing!"

"I-I am doing no such thing!" Umi sputtered, making the mistake of turning towards Eli in anger. Gah, they were _both_ topless! "Sh-She is of legal age and you know that!" Eli ignored her and chose to whistle lewdly instead, an action that the cop decided to emulate. "E-Excuse me?! I-I am not the one having s... s-sex where anyone can see them!"

"I didn't want to see that," Maki muttered, her cheeks darkened as she fumbled to open her door. Umi thought it was best to follow, ignoring Eli's drunken laughter as she got into the passenger seat and let Maki drive her away.

"I've never been so embarrassed." Umi hid her face in her hands, groaning audibly.

"Yeah..." They fell silent for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of Maki's car zooming down the road. "But, you know, there's, uh... I could move my seat back, and we'd have room-"

"Oh my God, Maki, you saw way too much." Another groan fell from her lips as she stared out the window.

Maki glanced over at her girlfriend, pouting slightly. "It was just a suggestion."


End file.
